


RaSta (working title)

by Feygan



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Ghost Drifting, Human Experimentation, It's the end of the world, M/M, Men Crying, Mpreg, Romance, Slow Build, Survivor Guilt, and what else are you going to do, because they're human, flaming garbage bag of emotion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4053049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feygan/pseuds/Feygan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Raleigh Becket has a crush on Stacker Pentecost. Shit happens, as it's wont to do. (NOT a PWP.)</p><p>From young love to the tragedy of a brother lost, covers events before, during, and after the movie. That epic ending scene goes a bit AU, as I'm not a tragedy-monster. Knifehead still happens though ;_;</p><p>Raleigh experiences some survivor guilt and depression at the beginning of the story. He matures later on (because, you know, Yancy). Basically summed up as: there's some hormone issues. Stacker is oblique. Yancy is the supportive older brother. And Raleigh freaks out.</p><p>Written for hannahcarrietta, who donated to <a href="http://fandomaid.livejournal.com/">FandomAid</a> for the Nepal Earthquake fundraiser. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hannahcarrietta](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=hannahcarrietta).



It wasn't love at first sight and it wasn't a fairy tale romance. It was a quiet devotion that grew between them to become something vibrant and strong. Raleigh was sure that Stacker was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, no matter how short it ended up being.

Kaiju were coming faster and stronger than ever before. There seemed to be no end. Even while he kept the cocky grin on his face and promised the world that he and Yancy would defeat every comer, Raleigh couldn't help worrying that what they did wouldn't be enough.

Gipsy Danger was their faithful Jaeger, carrying them into battle and making sure they reached home again. She was a beautiful and deadly machine that let them kill Kaiju and protect the world. She made them into heroes, rockstars in drive suits, connected by the Pons System into one mind, one will.

It was through the Drift that Yancy first discovered Raleigh's feelings for Stacker Pentecost. There was much teasing about uniform fetishes and daddy kinks, but there was also some good advice.

"We could die tomorrow, Rals. Don't throw this chance away," Yancy said.

Raleigh sat on his bunk, covering his burning face with his hands. He'd never run away from anything in his life, but he happily could have run away from this conversation. "What chance? He's Stacker Pentecost. He's a *legend*. He's never going to want me."

"Not with that attitude he's not," Yancy said. He pushed Raleigh's leg. "Shove over."

Raleigh made room for Yancy to sit next to him. He rested his head against Yancy's shoulder, breathing in that mix of laundry soap, *big brother*, and safety. "I don't know what to do."

"So you're not going to do anything at all?" Yancy slung an arm across Raleigh's shoulders, pulling him closer.

"You're smarter than that, Raleigh. If there's something you really want, you should go after it."

"And what if he turns me down? What do I do then, Yance?"

"You cry in your bunk and I take you out on the town," Yancy said. "But if you don't try at all, the only thing you'll have is regret."

"Regret might be better than embarrassment. How am I supposed to work with him after making a fool of myself?"

"You make a fool of yourself all the time and it never slows you down. Why should this be the first time that you lose your cool?" Yancy combed his fingers through Raleigh's hair. "Buck up, brother. I've got your back."

"I know," Raleigh murmured.

Yancy chuckled, the sound vibrating under Raleigh's cheek. "And since you haven't noticed, I think you should know that I've seen Pentecost checking you out."

Raleigh lifted his head to stare at Yancy. "What?"

"Yep. I have seen the man look at your ass, which tells me that he's interested in at least one part of you. Now you just have to get him to look at your face, then it'll be wedding bells and baby carriages. Uncle Yancy," he mused, "it sounds pretty good to me."

Raleigh's face burned and he pushed Yancy off the bunk. "Shut up!"

As he expected, Yancy jumped on him and they wrestled like they'd done since they were kids. They were breathless from laughter by the time Yancy pinned him and made Raleigh admit that he'd lost.

"Trust me. If you ask him out, he's going to say yes," Yancy said.

Raleigh's face was smashed against the blanket and Yancy was heavy against his back, pressing the breath out of him. "And what if he doesn't?" he managed to ask.

"Then I'll run laps around the Shatterdome naked," Yancy said. "Everyone will be so focused on me that they won't even remember you exist."

"You'd really do that, wouldn't you?" Raleigh tapped Yancy's thigh to get him to lift up, then rolled out from under Yancy. He rested on his back, panting to catch his breath. "Do you really think he's interested in me?"

Yancy flopped next to him. "Of course he's interested. You're one of the Becket brothers. He'd have to be blind not to see what a catch you are. Give him a chance, Raleigh. Give *yourself* a chance."

"Of course."

It was with Yancy's voice ringing in his ears that Raleigh approached Stacker the next day and asked him to dinner.

He was expecting a polite rejection--a kind ripping out of his heart--and got a date instead. He didn't know what to do, but he wrapped the echo of Yancy's confidence around himself. He didn't show how flustered he was when he named a restaurant and a day and a time.

The date was awkward for them both, but attraction won out over nervousness and their second and third dates were much better. By the end of a month Raleigh felt as though they were forging a true connection.

  
They spent a day on the mainland seeing the sights, then they had dinner at a five-star restaurant. Afterward Raleigh didn't hesitate to accept an invitation back to Stacker's hotel room. Falling into bed together seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

It was nice that their first time was in an actual bed rather than one of the narrow bunks in the Shatterdome. It was even nicer that they had a whole weekend alone together. There were no bureaucratic interruptions and no Kaiju incursions. It was just the two of them and it was the closest thing to perfect that Raleigh had ever experienced.

It was probably naive of him, considering the amounts they didn't know about each other, but he was sure that he was in love. He didn't want to wait until after the end of the world and lose this chance at happiness. If all he had was right now, then he would take everything that right now had to offer.

They were lying amongst the sex tousled sheets, the sweat still undried against their skin. Raleigh was on his stomach, body pleasantly used. He wanted this feeling forever.

"Marry me," he said.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Raleigh said. "Marry me."

There was such a long silence beside him that he began to feel embarrassed. He'd let the passion of the moment get to him and ended up putting Stacker in the awkward position of rejecting him. The man had to be thinking up a nice way of turning him down.

Raleigh's cheeks and ears burned with humiliation. He opened his mouth to say that he'd been joking. *Get married? It's way too soon. It was an impulse spawned in the moment. We're only casual sex partners. Of course we can't get married, we barely know each other. I was only teasing*.

"You don't want to marry me," Stacker said, interrupting Raleigh's frantic thoughts. "I'm too old for you. Someone better suited will come along and you don't want to be tied down when it happens."

"There won't be anyone else," Raleigh said. "We could all be dead tomorrow. I want to carry your name when I go."

"Marriage is a big step," Stacker said. "It's a serious commitment."

"I fight giant monsters with a giant robot," Raleigh said. "I am all about serious commitments *and* taking risks."

"Why do you want to get married?"

Raleigh sat up. This seemed like a conversation that demanded his full attention. He looked into Stacker's eyes, hoping that his sincerity came through clearly.

"Maybe it's ridiculous, but I always figured I'd get hitched someday. It seems like such a small dream in a world that's gone so crazy, but if I die... I don't want to die alone. Does that make sense?" He sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. "Being married is like being part of someone else. And I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I want to be part of you. Or maybe I just want you to be part of me.

"I don't want to be forgotten. And if I'm married to you, if something happens to me at least there's some place for my things to go. I don't want the leftover parts of my life to end up in a box somewhere." Because if he died, there wasn't a single doubt in his mind that Yancy would be right there with him. They were all the family they had left.

"Besides," he added, "I really like you. I think that we could work. I've got no problem imagining us together and married in twenty years. But if we don't have twenty years, I don't want to miss out on the being together and the marriage. I want my white wedding."

"And what if things don't work out between us?" Stacker asked.

Raleigh shrugged. "Then we get divorced. No hard feelings, and we'll each have a story about the one that got away."

"Hm. I have to think about it," Stacker said. "I need a few days to decide."

"That's fine," Raleigh said. "We can still fuck though, right?"

"Watch that mouth, but yes." A faint smile curved Stacker's lips. "There's no reason we have to cut our weekend short.

"Good," Raleigh said. His skin still burned with self-consciousness, but Stacker hadn't thrown him out of bed or fled. He hadn't completely ruined things. There was still a chance for them.

Stacker ran his fingers down Raleigh's spine. "Why don't you lie down? We need to rest up before Round Two."

"Okay."

  
That weekend away had been perfectly timed. It seemed as though they'd barely been back a day before events conspired to keep them apart. Some senator was lobbying for an Anti-Kaiju Wall that he thought would protect the coasts from attacks. He saw the Wall as a more cost-effective expense than to build and maintain the Jaegers.

Stacker spent months in Washington, D.C. lobbying against proposed cutbacks to the Jaeger Program. He returned triumphant, but by that time Raleigh had to wonder if they'd have to work to regain the time lost.

It could be a ridiculous fear, but he worried that the time apart had led Stacker to rethink their relationship. There seemed to be a distance between them now. Standing in the same room, it felt as though they were miles apart, and Raleigh didn't know what to do about it.

He had a hard time reading Stacker's facial expressions on the best of days. With Stacker actively hiding his thoughts, Raleigh felt like he'd run into a wall and bounced.

*Maybe he's built himself an Anti-Raleigh Becket wall*, he thought, then winced at how self-pitying he sounded. He was glad he hadn't said that to Yancy. He'd be facing days of mockery.

With Stacker keeping him at arm's length, Raleigh spent his free time in the gym working out. He might have been tempted by the thought of a spar, but he didn't trust himself not to hurt his partner. He tried to fill his time to keep himself from brooding.

He reached into the pocket of his sweatpants and fished out another hard candy. It was bright yellow, one of his favorites. He didn't hesitate to unwrap it and pop it into his mouth. The refreshing tang of the lemon and sugar gave him a momentary burst of enthusiasm for the day.

"You're going to get fat if you keep that up."

Raleigh turned to look at Yancy. "What?" he asked, swiping his arm across his sweaty face. He'd been hitting the punching bag for the last hour.

"You keep eating that much candy and you're either going to rot your teeth or get fat." Yancy came to stand nearby, crossing his arms as he examined Raleigh closely. "What's got you so knotted up inside?"

"What? Nothing," Raleigh said.

Yancy stared harder. Raleigh shifted uncomfortably under his attention. He rolled the candy in his mouth, clicking it against the back of his teeth. "Stop staring at me."

"I'm not staring," Yancy said. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with you."

Raleigh released the velcro straps on his boxing gloves and pulled them off. "There's nothing going on."

"And that's the problem, isn't it?" Yancy looked enlightened. "When was the last time you had a date with Pentecost?"

Raleigh looked around, making sure they were alone. "It's no big deal," he said. "Sometimes things don't work out, and it looks like me and Stacker haven't worked out. It doesn't have to mean anything."

"Except your feelings are hurt." Yancy shook his head. "You have to say something to him. You can't let him keep you drifting through limbo like this. It's not fair."

"Life isn't fair," Raleigh said. "It is what it is. We went out a few times, and I guess I'm not what he's looking for. I would have liked it if he'd told me to my face that we were incompatible, but I'm not going to cry about it."

"If you cried, you could probably get it out of your system." Yancy uncrossed his arms with a sigh. "Come on, let's go get something to eat. I hear they've got a new cook in the commissary. You can eat your feelings for a while."

Raleigh lightly punched Yancy's shoulder. "Shut up," he said. If he didn't nip it in the bud, Yancy could become terrible with his teasing. It wasn't anything he wanted to hear at the moment. The wounds were too raw.

"Let's go get something to eat," he said, heading toward the door.

Yancy's hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Why don't you take a shower first? You stink."

"Thanks for that," Raleigh said, but obligingly changed direction toward the locker room. "Give me five."

"I'll be waiting with bated breath."

"Well, then stand next to the First Aid kit so I can resuscitate your ass."

"This isn't Victorian times. That's not how CPR works." Yancy laughed. "Don't blow smoke up my ass."

Raleigh groaned. "Classy, Yance, classy." He felt lighter though. That had always been Yancy's gift, the ability to keep Raleigh from falling into a brood. Without him around, Raleigh would probably be a shadow-skulking loner with no one to pull him out of his funk.

Leaving Yancy leaning against the wall, Raleigh hurried into the locker room for a five minute shower and a change of clothes. He took the time to brush his teeth and run a comb through his hair before rejoining Yancy.

"Is this better, your majesty?" he asked, holding his arms out wide.

Yancy gave him a once-over. "You're definitely less smelly. Let's go."

Raleigh rolled his eyes at Yancy's back, then jogged to catch up. "I don't know how you could possibly be ruder."

Yancy peeked over his shoulder. "I could manage."

"I'm sure," Raleigh said.

He trailed Yancy through the hallways, ignoring the sense of being a Pomeranian following a golden retriever. He wasn't scuttling after Yancy. He was walking like a normal person while Yancy teasingly kept himself ahead.

On reaching the mess hall doors, Yancy finally paused to let him catch up. They went in side-by-side, a solid wall in the face of staring eyes and gossip.

Raleigh liked being famous more than he hated all the attention. He didn't enjoy being ogled by strangers, but it was part of being a Jaeger pilot. People were interested in the things he did.

Which didn't mean he wasn't grateful for Yancy's presence at his side. He could feel the strength that Yancy provided just by being there for him.

He followed Yancy to the chow line, picking up a tray as they passed the stack. "The food looks pretty good."

Yancy grinned at him. "Better than the slop they tried feeding us a couple years ago. Pentecost really put the fear into whoever hires the cooks nowadays." He winked.

Raleigh's ears burned at even the mention of Stacker. "Come on. No."

"All right, all right," Yancy said. "As you're struggling with your manly angst, I won't bring up anything that might hurt your tender feelings. I would not want you to be visited by the ghost of melancholy wishes when you should be focused on regaining your strength of will to fight on."

"Thanks. I think." There were times when Raleigh thought Yancy had taken his interest in Victorian history too far. It led to some strange and confusing conversations.

"Why couldn't you have studied World War II like a normal person?" he murmured.

"What was that?" Yancy asked.

"Nothing." Raleigh focused on the woman serving food behind the counter. He tried a charming smile. "Can I get some of that chicken stuff?"

She ladled two scoops of the "chicken stuff" onto his tray along with some garlic roasted fingerling potatoes, verdant green beans, and a buttermilk roll. The look she gave him was nearly coy, younger than her physical age. "I'd give you anything you'd like."

She was an attractive woman a handful of years younger than his mother had been. There was something about her that reminded him of the old days, of the circle of tough women that had formed around his mother. Those women that he had happily called his aunts had helped take care of him and his siblings after Mother died.

It felt good to flirt a little. He could tell that she wasn't serious about it, wouldn't expect more than he was willing to give. It was just nice to make her smile and laugh.

There had been far too little happiness in the world since Trespasser's attack. Everyone smiled and laughed and pretended as hard as they could, but it was a brittle joy. Too many people had died and too much tragedy had struck the world. Everyone had lost someone.

So to set a smile shining on this woman's face--"Call me Peg. Everyone else does."--it felt good.

"I saw the fight with Yamarashi. You boys have done your uniforms proud."

"It's all thanks to Gipsy Danger. She's seen us through whatever we've come up against. She's a real lady," he said.

"I've heard that it's not just the quality of the Jaeger that brings victory. It's the quality of the pilots."

"Stop, you're going to make me blush." He grinned. "If it wasn't for people like you, I wouldn't have so much to fight for. I'd do anything for a pretty lady."

He startled at the sound of the deep voice that came from behind him, "Is that so, Mr. Becket?"

Raleigh fought to keep his smile looking real when he turned to face Stacker Pentecost. "For a lovely lady that can cook? Sure. I'd fight a Kaiju for her."

Peg laughed. "Flatterer." She none-too-subtly slipped a fudge brownie onto his tray. "Get out of here. You're holding up the line."

"Thank you," he said, raising his tray to her.

"And thank you right back, cutie," she said. "Keep protecting us from the Kaiju, and I promise to keep serving you good food. You need it to build all that muscle."

He gave her a last flirty smile before following Stacker when the man said, "Come with me, Mr. Becket."

Raleigh had a sinking feeling in his gut. He could only be relieved when a silent Yancy followed him to the out-of-the-way table Stacker took him to. He felt like he needed all of the support he could get.


	2. Chapter 2

The food that had looked and smelled so good was tasteless in his mouth. His right knee jiggled under the table and he felt nervous. He avoided meeting Stacker's eyes, afraid of what he'd see there, which left him staring down at his tray.

The silence was drawing out awkwardly long. Raleigh methodically ate forkfuls of food, figuring that once his tray was empty he'd be able to make an escape. There was already a list of excuses forming in his mind.

He could feel Stacker looking at him with that direct gaze. There wasn't a whole lot of judgment, but there was a heavy weight, one that affected him more than a thousand words.

He jumped when Yancy's foot tapped the toe of his shoe. It made his heart give an odd trip-thump and he swallowed hard before coughing loudly.

"Geez, kid, learn how to chew your food." Raleigh spared Yancy a glare out of watery eyes. He accepted the mug of watery apple juice and the whack on the back with ill grace. He could tell that Yancy was seconds away from laughing at him.

He didn't need the Drift to be able to read Yancy's mind. They'd been able to read each other since before there were Kaiju.

Raleigh gulped some juice and tried to swallow down the urge to cough. The last thing he needed was for anything to come out his nose. He already felt pathetic enough in front of Stacker.

"I'm okay." Raleigh coughed to clear his throat. He hated how raspy his voice sounded when he said, "Sorry. Wrong tube."

"I'm sure." Stacker nudged his own cup of coffee toward Raleigh when he saw the juice was gone.

"Thanks." Raleigh didn't really want any coffee, but he drank it anyway. There was no way he could refuse when Stacker's eyes were focused on him.

"So, Misters Becket, you have both done very well in the Jaeger Program. There's been talk of the two of you appearing on the Leela Turanga Show in the near future. How do you feel about that?"

"They want us on TV?" Yancy nudged Raleigh's shoulder. "I'd think they'd be worried we'd blow up their screens. You can't have this much handsome packed into such a small space without _something_ igniting."

Raleigh laughed and nudged him back. "Don't say stuff like that. People are going to start believing your ego really is that big."

"It's not ego when it's true." Yancy grabbed Raleigh's chin and presented his face to Stacker. "Look at this mug, sir. Who could turn down a face like this. Whoo-ee, but if you weren't my brother I think I'd be in trouble with a heartbreaker like you."

Raleigh slapped Yancy's hands away. "Stop it!" He ducked his chin to avoid meeting Stacker's eyes.

He could feel his cheeks heating up and was glad his blushes didn't show up too red. He could usually bluff his way through a bout of embarrassment.

"So the two of you are prepared for your appearance on television?" Stacker asked.

"Prepared? We've been waiting our whole lives for this," Yancy said.

It was an effort not to give him the side-eye. Raleigh couldn't help thinking that Yancy was pouring it on a little too thick. He didn't want Stacker to think that they couldn't treat a situation as seriously as it deserved.

"We won't embarrass the PPDC," Raleigh said. He stared down at his tray, afraid to meet Stacker's eyes. He didn't know what he'd do if he saw even a trace of disgust there.

 _As long as you don't cry in front of him_ , he thought, _everything can be all right. You're not that whiny crybaby anymore. You can't fall apart because your feelings are hurt_.

Yancy's foot pressed against his under the table. It was the promise of solidarity.

Raleigh picked up his spoon and brought a scoop of pudding to his mouth. Even at the end of the world there was chocolate pudding. It was comforting.

"We won't embarrass you on TV," he said around his spoon.

"I know you won't, Mr. Becket." Stacker's voice was quiet. Intimate. It made Raleigh's skin feel too-warm and tight. "You've never embarrassed me."

Raleigh's face felt like it was on fire. And his dick had decided to take a sudden interest in the situation. It made a knot coil in his stomach to have Stacker so close, reachable.

He worried that he was going to embarrass himself. It made him want to pull a fast retreat, which was ridiculous. He'd never run from a kaiju, yet he wanted to run from a man.

 _Stacker isn't just a man_ , he thought. And it was true. Stacker Pentecost was his past, his present, and he'd really hoped his future. Until he'd screwed everything up.

He ate the last bit of pudding and dropped his spoon in the bowl. He cleared his throat. "When do they want to interview us?"

"They're flying a reporter and cameraman out next week," Stacker said. "They should be here Wednesday."

"Great." Yancy clapped his hands together. "That will give us time to prepare. Spa day, anyone?"

Raleigh snorted and rolled his eyes. Trust Yancy to bring out his sense of humor just when it was needed. There were times when they didn't even need the Drift to read each other's needs.

"You do what you need to get ready, Misters Becket," Stacker said. He stood, his chair scraping against the floor. He leaned over the table, bringing his mouth close to Raleigh's ear. "We should have a conversation when we have a moment alone. We have quite a bit to discuss."

Raleigh swallowed the knot in his throat. "Do we?"

"We do." Stacker straightened his back and gave a stiff nod. "When you are ready, Mr. Becket. Take your time. I'll be waiting."

He didn't give Raleigh time to nerve himself up to a response. Stacker turned on his heel and strode away, uniform as immaculate as always.

Raleigh watched him go, then buried his face against the bend of his elbow with a groan.

"Cut it out, drama queen." Yancy slapped Raleigh across the back. "That wasn't bad at all. The way you've been acting, I would have thought Pentecost wanted to spit in your face."

"He probably does," Raleigh groaned. "He was just too polite to do it in front of everyone."

"Well, if that's what you're into." At Raleigh's glare, Yancy raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. Don't use the laser vision on me."

As sometimes happened when a memory was triggered, Raleigh experienced a flashback from their shared past. Two tow-headed boys running around a leaf-strewn backyard in the fall. One wore a blue cape, the other a red cape, and together they leapt and raced around, throwing themselves on a child-sized playset with abandon. They had no sense of their own mortality, enjoying the confidence of the very young.

Raleigh let the memory play out across his mind's eye. He'd learned that was the easiest way to deal with Ghost Drift. Any kind of interference and he could end up awash in bad memories-- _Momma drinking whiskey in the bathtub, hair in lank strands around her face. Her shouts ringing in his ears as she mistook him for his father_.--or worse.

It was better to allow his brain the freedom to express itself as it wanted. It seemed to be a natural way for his mind to release the stresses associated with the Pons system. And usually the Ghost Drift only lasted a few seconds. Most people didn't even notice anything was happening even when he was experiencing a flashback right in front of them.

"Hey, you back to Earth yet?" Yancy knew him better than anyone. Of course he would notice.

Raleigh blinked to clear his eyes. He thought he could still hear the echo of childish laughter. "Yeah. I'm all right."

"You better watch out that doesn't happen in front of the wrong person," Yancy warned. He glanced around the mess hall to make sure no one was paying too much attention to their table. Raleigh could tell they were safe by the way Yancy's shoulders relaxed.

The powers in charge of the PPDC's funding didn't like the idea of Ghost Drifts. They saw it as though Jaeger pilots were parts in a much larger machine. One whisper of a Ghost Drift and Raleigh could find himself on the scrap heap, Yancy discarded along with him. Some other pair would be piloting _Gipsy Danger_ to glory and it would be all Raleigh's fault. Yancy wasn't the one that lost himself in the Drift.

"I'm good," Raleigh said. He pulled his tray closer to himself and began shoveling food into his mouth.

After a long moment where he probably hoped they would have some kind of heart-to-heart, Yancy sighed and began eating his own food.

Raleigh peeked at him through his fringe. He knew Yancy didn't like it when he clammed up, but he had nothing to say.

Being prone to Ghost Drifts didn't seem like such a crime to him. It was completely different from chasing the rabbit, which he'd only experienced once and never wanted to again. Instead of a heart thudding, adrenaline fueled trip to his least favorite memories and moments of psychological trauma, a Ghost Drift was like watching a movie. Moments from his life were spun together and he watched them. The memories played behind his eyes as fast as his brain could comprehend, then he'd snap out of it and continue on with whatever he was doing.

He knew that it worried Yancy, who would never think to turn him in. And Raleigh was stupidly grateful to him, because what could he do if he wasn't a pilot? There was no way he could huddle helplessly in a public shelter with only hope and prayer to protect him. He'd go crazy.

It was better to fight and die than to just die.

"Stop staring at me. I'm fine." Raleigh chewed and swallowed, refusing to meet Yancy's eyes.

"Uh huh," Yancy said, practically dripping sarcasm. "You definitely seem fine to me." Still, Raleigh felt relieved when the burn of Yancy's gaze left him.

They finished eating before heading to the Kwoon Combat Room for physical training. It was a relief to beat on each other, though they couldn't help synchronizing their moves as the bout progressed. Until they were performing what looked like a whirling, stunningly athletic dance.

With sweat gleaming on their skin and their muscles flexing with their strikes and blocks, they were a spectacle few people could ignore. A crowd quickly gathered in the Kwoon as the Becket brothers dominated the arena. And though Raleigh was loath to admit it, part of him preened under the attention.

He was so focused on the fight that he didn't notice Stacker standing in the doorway, watching him. By the time Raleigh looked around, Stacker was already gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next couple of days, Raleigh focused on training to the point that Yancy finally forced him to take a break. "You pushing yourself to exhaustion doesn't do anyone any good. We have to be ready for action, and sorry to tell you this, little brother, but you are not ready. Take a nap. Read a book. I'm grounding you from training until you get some rest" was what he said.

It was like a slap to the face. Raleigh wanted to object, to defend his obsessive training schedule, but he swallowed his words instead. Yancy wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't truly concerned, and Raleigh loved and respected his brother enough to give his opinion weight.

He stood shirtless in front of the narrow, full-length mirror in their quarters. He'd been avoiding his reflection, but now he gave himself an honest looking over.

 _I look terrible_ , he thought. He could understand why Yancy had been so concerned.

Years of training had given him an enviable physique, a body that had drawn admiring looks since he'd passed out of his mid-teens. Muscle hugged his limbs and torso and he was used to being able to handle himself in any situation. Except, it seemed, anything to do with his emotions.

A lack of appetite combined with days of exercising had added even more definition to his abs and arms, but his cheeks were looking a bit gaunt and there were dark bags under his eyes, which appeared dull and tired. The corners of his mouth pulled downward even when he tried to fake a smile.

"Get over it," he told himself. His reflection responded with a sad frown. "You look ridiculous."

Raleigh shuffled over to his bunk and stripped off his boots and trousers. He climbed into the bunk in his socks and briefs, rolling himself up in his blanket. If he was lucky, he would wake up ready to deal with his life again. At the very least, he could hope that he wouldn't feel such a bone deep weariness.

He pressed his face into the pillow, breathing through the thick stuffing. He was wrapped up like a burrito and he didn't care how much Yancy teased him later. It felt good, like a full body hug. It was something that he needed.

He wriggled around until the blanket completely covered his head. He lay on his arms, cupping either thigh with his hands. There was nothing sexual about the pose--he'd jerked off a few times, but it had been lackluster at best. His arousal levels were so low that he figured Medical would be making comments about his hormone-levels being out of whack. Then there'd be suggestions that he get a full work up from his OB/GYN.

Raleigh shifted to press his pelvis into the mattress. As though he hadn't spent most of his teen years stressing about his biology. He _loved_ having strangers discussing his estrogen and testosterone levels. He could see them wondering when he'd give into the urge and pop out a few kids. Because he was weak of will and during the apocalypse was the perfect time to bring a baby into the world.

Raleigh groaned. He hated when gender-stereotypes turned him into some kind of spectacle. Everyone seemed to think they had the right to offer him unasked for advice. It was as though they thought he was public property.

He squeezed his eyes shut and relaxed limply. He took shallow breaths against his pillowcase. He could hear his blood rushing through his body, a _whish-whish_ sound that reminded him he was alive.

He felt like a fool, letting himself fall so hard for someone like Stacker Pentecost. He should have known that such a dignified man would have no real interest in him. He was just a scrappy kid from Anchorage; good enough to play around with, but not to marry or have children with.

How ridiculous was it to be so unhappy simply because Stacker didn't want to be with him? He'd thought he'd outgrown this kind of melodrama when he'd stopped being a teenager, yet here he was. His feelings had once again been hurt by someone not wanting to be with him. Except this time made him feel worse than Greg Keldorfer--the love of his 14-year-old heart--had ever managed to make him feel, probably because some part of him had wanted Stacker to be the one.

He'd let himself imagine what it might be like after the breach was closed and Kaiju were no longer a risk. He'd imagined settling down somewhere with Stacker as his husband. They'd have a handful of kids and grow their own food, and life would be idyllic.

The dream had died when Stacker had looked at him with such blatant disbelief. He'd obviously never once considered settling anywhere with Raleigh. And it stung, acid in a wound that had been torn open and raw.

Since the first Kaiju had attacked--even when seen on the news, Trespasser had been terrifying to a 15-year-old boy--Raleigh had pushed away the idea of having children. There was no way he wanted to bring a helpless baby into a world where it could be terrorized and killed by giant creatures from another universe.

Biological imperative meant nothing to the fear of losing another family member. He'd decided to wait until after the end of the world had been averted before having any children. He would fight and maybe die, but he wouldn't leave behind some helpless kid that deserved so much more than a Kaiju ravaged world.

But the Jaegers were unbeaten so far. Human ingenuity and dauntless bravery meant they'd faced dozens of Kaiju and won. There was hope that there was going to be a future.

And when Raleigh stood close to Stacker, his every instinct screamed out " _This is the one._ " It breathed life into the old dreams of marriage and family, of being happy somewhere that didn't involve conn-pods and battle.

For the first time since he was 15-years-old, he'd let himself imagine a normal life.

So it stung to have those dreams dashed. Because he hadn't even realized how desperately he wanted that idyllic future until it was taken away. And the reality of life right now tasted bitter on his tongue. Bitter and lonely.

It felt like the children he'd half-allowed himself to picture had died before they could be born. Murdered by his own foolishness in allowing himself to dream.

 _You can never be normal,_ he thought. _This is the world now and for always. All you're good for is fighting. You're never going to be anyone's dad._

He didn't realize he was crying until the damp cotton of the pillowcase began sticking to his face. His nose was even beginning to run, as helpless tears seeped from between his closed eyelids.

It wasn't the first time he'd cried over thoughts of a way of life ending. It wouldn't be the last. But oh did it hurt in the here and now.

Raleigh Becket, co-pilot of the Jaeger _Gipsy Danger_ wept for what might have been and never would be. And then he wept for the lives lost--friends from school, family members he hadn't kept up with, and strangers he'd never met. He wept for those killed and those that had survived, because everyone was walking around with the wound of those they'd lost.

He wept for himself. The boy he used to be, with dreams of a very different life. The man he was, laughing in the face of danger to keep anyone from seeing how afraid he was. And the man he might have been, living in a family-sized home that was full of laughter and love and _hope._

Raleigh Becket wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are many fics out there that focus on the survivor's guilt people would have to feel. Sure, they're still under attack by more and more Kaiju, but I would think there would be tons of PTSD cases out there. _Everyone_ has lost someone in Pacific Rim. It would be terrible.


	4. four

It was hard getting his day started. A large part of him wanted to wallow in his bed, but he knew he couldn't give in to that kind of self-pity. He needed to keep moving.

He'd seen too many people just give up on living--they either joined a Kaiju-cult and let themselves be killed, their names added to the list of dead attributed to monsters such as Kaiceph, Scissure, or Yamarashi. Or sometimes someone would just *stop*. They'd stop appearing in the mess hall or at the grocery store. They'd stop taking care of themselves or making any plans. And it would be there in their eyes or writ across their tired faces. They were done. They couldn't go on any longer. And either way, resources were slim enough that a few less mouths to feed would add months if not years to some kid's ration card.

Raleigh didn't want to go out like that. And he had an advantage that few others shared. He could ride his Jaeger into fierce battle and _know_ that he was making a difference.

Because the human race was a resilient cancer. And as long as a handful of them survived, they'd bounce back.

Maybe he'd already saved the future of humanity, some kid whose genes would carry on the species. Maybe his purpose was done and he was only spinning his wheels, saving people that were still doomed to die.

It made him want to lay down and give up. And if he'd been a civilian he might have followed depression to wherever it led.

But he wasn't a civilian.

He was Ranger Raleigh Becket of the Pan-Pacific Defense Corp. He had the privilege and the honor to pilot the best damned Jaeger in the world.

So he pushed the darkness away from his heart and went to breakfast. He would face this day like any other. He would not give in to the despair of a species that knew it was dying.

Raleigh shuffled his way through the mess line, adding reconstituted eggs, tofu sausage, a gluten-free banana pancake, and a cup of black tea to his tray. He spared a wish for coffee, but it had been so long that he didn't properly remember the flavor. He was just wanting life to go back to the way it used to be.

He spotted Yancy at *their* table, already stuffing his face while chatting with Tendo Choi. The J-Tech Chief was wearing a bow-tie and suspenders along with some non-regulation pinstriped trousers that made his legs look a mile and a half long. He kicked his feet against the table leg as he talked to Yancy, displaying a black and white pair of spats.

He wasn't sure how Tendo felt about Yancy, but he knew his brother's mind. He didn't want to interrupt if Yancy finally decided to make a move, but from Yancy's smile and waved hand, he'd already been spotted.

Raleigh drew in a deep breath before walking to the table.

He smoothed his expression, hoping he didn't look as out of it as he felt.

"Morning," he said, setting his tray next to Yancy's and climbing over the bench to sit down.

"Hey brother." Tendo's smile was bright, but Raleigh caught the flicker of worry in his eyes.

He knew that he looked pale and exhausted, his face and eyes puffy and red. It was no mystery that he'd been crying, but out of politeness no one would mention it. He wasn't the first person to show up in public bearing the signs of grief. Everyone pretended that they didn't see it.

Raleigh cleared his throat. "Hey." He stuck a forkful of egg in his mouth. He didn't feel like talking.

"I didn't think you'd wake up in time for breakfast," Yancy said. His knee pressed against Raleigh's.

"Hm." Raleigh cut his three tofu sausages into bite-sized pieces with his fork. "I didn't want to sleep anymore."

"Well, eat up," Yancy said. "You need to get your strength up if we're going to blow them away at the TV interview."

Raleigh groaned. "I forgot about that."

"You've got four days to remember it," Yancy said. "We have to look our best so we can win over the hearts and minds of the world. There can be no moping around when we're on television."

"It'll be fine," Raleigh said. "I'll be ready." He ignored the doubtful look Yancy gave him, not wanting to get into a fight.  
He ate his breakfast and pretended that everything was all right. Never mind that he was feeling stranger and more out of sorts the longer he was awake.

By the time he trailed Yancy out of the mess hall, he wondered if eating had been a mistake. He wasn't quite feeling nauseated, but the food was an uneasy weight in his stomach. One that pressed down more and more until he was having trouble drawing in a full breath and saliva was flooding his mouth and he was swallowing and swallowing.

They were standing in LOCCENT Mission Control while Tendo gave them the rundown when Raleigh realized he couldn't feel his fingertips or his face. His entire body was going numb.

"I don't feel so good," he announced, his voice coming out softer than he expected and somewhat spacy sounding. No one seemed to hear him as Tendo kept prattling on about whatever glowing thing filled the presentation screen and Yancy kept staring straight ahead.

Feeling alone, Raleigh decided he had to get himself to Medical.

He turned toward the door and took a few lurching steps before realizing his balance was completely shot. His left knee folded out from under him first and his head spun with vertigo as he dropped.

There was the sharp cracking pain of his kneecap hitting the floor. He had enough time to think _Ouch_ before his head struck the ground.

Then he was out.


	5. five

The medicinal smell came to him first followed by the realization that he was lying on one of the cots in the infirmary. There was the rhythmic beeping of machines to let him know that his heart was still beating, not that he could have been confused about it with the headache he was suffering from.

Raleigh groaned and opened his eyes. "What happened?" he asked the blurred shape that could only be Yancy.

His brother huffed out a relieved breath. "Geez, sprout, you worried the hell out of me."

"Uh oh, you're using the childhood nickname. Did I die?" Raleigh tried to interject some humor into the situation. Then he saw Yancy's expression. " _Did_ I die?"

"Not quite, Ranger Becket, though it was a very near thing." Doctor Tara Brown, fondly called "Doc Brown" by everyone in the Shatterdome, appeared at his bedside. She had a clipboard in her hands and didn't hesitate to grasp his wrist to manually check his pulse. "You suffered a failure of your ovarian control gland that resulted in a blockage severe enough that you were well on your way to a fatal case of sepsis."

"What?"

"Basically, the hardware failed and an egg got caught in the chute. We had to remove your contraceptive implant as well as the blockage. There's a possibility that you may have lost some level of fertility, but I'm betting that after some time to heal you're going to be just fine."

"Well. I guess that's good." Raleigh's free hand crept down to feel his stomach. His fingers paused on the lump of bandaging below his belly button and carefully ghosted over it without putting any pressure. "And I'm going to be okay?"

"You're a healthy young man and the incision is a small one. You should be up and around in a couple of hours, though I'm putting my foot down on piloting any Jaegers for at least a week. We wouldn't want your insides to fall out, now would we?"

"Is that a risk?" Raleigh asked.

"No." Doc Brown looked at Yancy. "Now, other Ranger Becket, I expect you to keep a close watch on your brother. I don't want him to exert himself until I give my okay, and that won't be for several days. Sit on him if you have to. Gently."

"I'm right here," Raleigh said. "I can take care of myself."

"Hm. From the reports of your recent workout schedule, I think I'd feel better if your brother acted as your guardian angel. At least until the stitches are out and your hormone levels are somewhat back to normal."

Raleigh grimaced. If there was one thing he hated thinking about it was his hormones and all they entailed. He'd spent years not thinking about his reproductive health. He'd gone out of his way not to think about the hows and whys behind it.

"It'll be all right, Rals," Yancy said. "You'll be back on your feet before you know it."

"Yeah," Raleigh said. He kept himself to one-word answers as Doc Brown checked him over, letting Yancy give the longer answers when necessary. His brother probably knew more about his medical history than he did anyway, as there were so many things that Raleigh had chosen to ignore.

When he was twelve years old a routine physical had identified him as a Bearer. There'd always been the possibility, as his grandmother had been a participant of the fertility studies of the late-1960s. She'd been unable to conceive, and it was only the experimental compound RX-972 that had allowed his father to be born.

It had been one of those things. Tens of thousands of people had used RX-972--or Fertico as it had been nicknamed for the risk of hormone induced vertigo--to conceive between 1967 and 1984. It was seen as a safe drug for women with low fertility to use, as its near miraculous properties practically guaranteed conception within months of first ingestion.

Then sixteen year old Harold Gardener was sexually assaulted at the all-boys Enexis Academy in Connecticut. During the course of the investigation and subsequent criminal trial, it was discovered that the physically male student was pregnant and that his mother had used Fertico to enable his birth. His was the first case of male pregnancy. It was not the last.

Called Bearers, there was an ever growing segment of the male population that were able to become pregnant and carry to term--though a Cesarean was required for the birth--and Raleigh was one of their number. It had been a fact of his life since he was twelve years old. One that he had never fully been able to accept. Yet he'd still looked at Stacker Pentecost and thought, _Maybe_.

For the love of a man that had looked at him as though he were crazy to suggest marriage, he had been ready to go against everything he had ever believed in or thought he wanted. He'd actually nursed the idea of starting a family with himself in the maternal role. He'd imagined carrying their baby someday and it hadn't made him want to throw up or run away screaming.

 _I was an idiot_ , he thought. It was the only explanation that made sense. He was the fool that had believed that love could trump anything and everything.

And now he was sitting in Medical being told that his contraceptive implant had been malfunctioning. His hormones had been out of whack for months. There was a good chance that everything he'd felt for Stacker had been nothing more than his body's need to reproduce.

"When can I get out of here?" he asked. "I want to get out of here."

"Like I said, it won't be any earlier than sometime tonight," Doc Brown said.

"And my h-hormones? They'll go back to normal soon?"

She gave him a sympathetic look. It made him want to cringe away. He didn't need anyone's pity or consideration. He was fine.

"We'll take another reading tomorrow, but it looks like you're already starting to level off. They're still ridiculously high, but your system's no longer being flooded to overload." She reached into the pocket of her lab coat and pulled out a white plastic bracelet. "This bracelet will monitor you and send the results to my tablet. Put it on."

Raleigh took the bracelet and attached it to his wrist. He fingered the plain band with its ghostly impression of circuitry. "I'm making a fashion statement."

"That you are," she said. "Now listen up, Ranger Becket. There's no reason to wear that face. You're going to be fine."

"Yeah," he said. "Fine."


	6. six

CHAPTER TWO  
  
After being released from Medical, Raleigh spent the next two days in his bunk. As his hormones leveled out he found himself on an emotional roller coaster. He didn't want to see anyone and he definitely did not want to be seen.

Yancy played the part of the worried big brother to the hilt. He brought Raleigh his meals and turned visitors away with the excuse that Raleigh had caught a small cold.

It was because of Yancy that Raleigh had the peace in which to regain his emotional equilibrium. Without him, Raleigh would have been exposed to the harshness of the world when he felt as delicate as a tea cup with a crack in the side.

On the morning of the third day, Raleigh accepted the breakfast tray Yancy brought only to shunt it off to the bedside table. He reached out instead and pulled Yancy down on his bunk by the front of his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa, Rals. What's going on here?" Yancy asked, though he gamely sat down beside him.

Raleigh rested his head against Yancy's arm and hugged his shoulder. "I want to say thank you for everything you've done for me. You're the best big brother the world has ever known."

"Well, I knew that." There was the usual over-the-top ego, but Raleigh could tell from his tone that Yancy was touched. "I love you, Rals. You're my baby brother and I'd do anything for you."

"I love you too, Yancy."

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes. Then Raleigh coughed to clear his throat and sat up. He picked up the breakfast tray and laid it across his lap and things went back to normal. Though Raleigh was glad that he'd at least said the words. Yancy needed to know that he was appreciated.

"So, uh, what are we doing today?" Raleigh asked.

"The same thing we do everyday, Pinky. Try to save the world."

Raleigh groaned. "Oh, that's awful."

"I know." Yancy grinned.

And life was normal again. Or as normal as it got in the Shatterdome, where people piloted giant robots against giant monsters and fought to save the world.

*

Raleigh spent the days after his collapse regaining his strength--both mental and physical--and letting his hormones settle. He hadn't realized how hormone-driven he'd been lately, not until he found himself back in his right mind.

His sleep settled itself and the baby-dreams he hadn't realized he'd been having non-stop tapered off. He could *feel* his mind and emotions settling back under his control. It was like the oxygen had stealthily been sucked out of the room, and with it flooding back in he felt heady and full of life.

"I see you're back on your feet, Mr, Becket."

Raleigh refused to tense up and show how rattled he was. He had full rights to walk down the hallway to the Jaeger bay and see his 7080 ton baby.

He turned and flashed Stacker Pentecost a grin. "I didn't realize how crappy I've been feeling until the doc straightened me out. Makes you wonder how long I wasn't myself for."

"You've still got a couple more days until you're able to go back on duty," Stacker observed more than said.

"Doc Brown wants to be more safe than sorry." Raleigh stuffed his hands in his pockets and wondered how awkward he was supposed to feel. They'd fucked, he'd gotten embarrassingly emotional, and now he was wondering how much of it had been real. Yet he was still attracted to Stacker. He still found him a handsome man and a commanding presence that made parts of him want to stand up at attention. He just had more self-control now than last month, when hormone-driven desperation would have made a fool out of him.

If hormones hadn't been riding him so hard, he and Stacker wouldn't have hooked up. Sure, he'd still have his highly inappropriate crush--Stacker Pentecost was a *LEGEND*---but he would never have acted on his attraction. Their relationship would have remained the typical one between a *very* commanding officer and the slightly insubordinate younger officer he was tasked with keeping in line.

But hormones and feelings had happened, and there'd been plenty of lust and athletic sex between them. Which made standing here awkward and weird because Raleigh wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He probably shouldn't be wanting his commanding officer to bend him over the nearest surface.

*This is crazy,* Raleigh thought. But he was nothing if not boldly fearless.

"You wanna get some coffee?" he asked.

There was a brief flash of surprise in Stacker's eyes. "As you wish, Mr. Becket."

Raleigh flashed his most devil-may-care grin. "I wish."

* * *

Coffee became lunch became dinner. Dating became a thing that they did and people stopped being surprised on seeing them hit the mess hall together.

Things were going good. No sex yet and no exchange of rings, but it was nice to sit together and talk.

The more he learned about Stacker, the more Raleigh found to like. Until he was seriously wondering if they could have something lasting and real.

When idle thoughts of relationship permanence entered Raleigh's mind, he carefully packed them away for later.

There was no overwhelming urge for marriage, mating, and motherhood. He took it to mean his hormones weren't totally calling the shots and maybe his feelings for Stacker were real. He could hope anyway.

"You're glowing."

Raleigh looked at Yancy. "What?"

"I said, you're glowing." Yancy laid down the magazine he'd bought off one of the techs in LOCCENT. Raleigh averted his gaze from the folded over image of his own face. He and Yancy had been photographed in front of Gipsy Danger, both wearing cocky grins and their bomber jackets.

"I have no idea what you mean." Raleigh glanced at his reflection in the mirror beside his bunk. There was a bit of added color to his cheeks, but that could have been wind burn. "I look the same as I always do."

Yancy snorted and crossed his arms. "You are not looking with the right kind of eyes, brother dear. You definitely have a *glow* about you. Are you sure you're not in love?"

"What? No!" Raleigh could feel embarrassed heat crawling across his neck and burning the tips of his ears.

Yancy laughed. "Doth he protest too much? Aye, and not enough."

"Yance!" Raleigh scrubbed his hand over his face, trying to wipe away all expression. "Please don't do the fake Shakespeare thing anymore."

"You know you love it." Yancy's grin was sly and his eyes sparkled with near-cruel mirth. "Just like you love Pentecost."

There was no thought involved, just the physicality of roughhousing with his older brother. Raleigh gave a warrior's yell as he leapt onto Yancy's bunk knees first, trying to get him into a headlock.

For a few minutes it was a free-for-all of elbows, knees, and slapping hands. There was no intent to really hurt each other, their martial arts training set aside for playful wrestling.

Somehow Raleigh found himself in a headlock, his bare feet scrabbling against Yancy's blanket and the cinder block wall. He wasn't sure how things had been turned around on him, but he quickly realized the futility of his escape attempts. Yancy knew him better in some ways than he knew himself.

He slapped his palm against Yancy's shoulder. "Mercy, mercy, I give up. Uncle! Uncle! Geez Yance, *uncle!*"

Yancy laughed, a warm puff against Raleigh's ear. "I'm not letting go until you speak the truth."

"Fine, fine, I'm glowing. I'm effervescent. Let me go." Raleigh tried to pull his face away from Yancy's armpit. "At least put a shirt on, you jerk."

"Aw, you say the sweetest things, Rals. I can see why Pentecost fell for your charms. You definitely have some serious wiles." Still laughing, Yancy laid a smacking kiss on Raleigh's cringing face before letting him go. "Don't say I never do anything for you."

Raleigh sat up and rested his back against the wall. He fought to get his breath back, his face now hot with exertion instead of embarrassment. He raked a hand through his hair before trying to smooth it back into order. "God, take a shower, why don't you. Your pits smell like someone was cutting onions before abruptly dying."

Yancy flopped on his back, his grin turned in Raleigh's direction. "It's your fault for starting some shit. If you didn't want to experience the pits of greatness you shouldn't have turned things physical. You know you always lose."

Raleigh made a grumbling-growly sound in his throat. "Asshole."

"Right back at you, kid." Yancy's eyes softened and his mouth lost the teasing smirk. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm always willing to listen."

"I know." Raleigh averted his gaze, but couldn't stop his lips from curving up. "You're not a terrible big brother, you know? I could have done much worse."

Yancy rolled on his side, propping his cheek on his hand. "And just so you know, I could have done worse in the little brother department too."

They stayed looking at each other for a long moment, but there was nothing awkward about it. All Raleigh knew was that he was lucky to have Yancy in his life. He definitely won the big brother lottery somehow.

Then Yancy sat up with a stretch. "Well, enough of that. I'm thinking I'm going to see if Tendo wants to watch a movie. And I'm sure there's about a million things you'd like to do to Pentecost." He winked, throwing himself off the bunk before Raleigh could hit him.

"Asshole!"

Yancy laughed.


End file.
